Whats your best joke? Post it here!!! (v2)

ajkiwi88 · April 12, 2004

> > > The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you

> > > whether you are qualified to be a "professional."

> > >

> > > Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.

> > > But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

> > >

> > > 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe,

and

> > > close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple

> > > things in an overly complicated way.

> > >

> > > 2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close

> > > the refrigerator?" Wrong Answer.

> > >

> > > Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe put in

> > > the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think

> > > through the repercussions of your previous actions.

> > >

> > > 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals

> > > attend... except one .. Which animal does not attend?

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.

> > > You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

> > >

> > > Okay even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,

> > > you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

> > >

> > > 4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by

crocodiles,

> > > and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > *

> > >

> > > Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have

> > > you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal

> > > Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

> > >

> > > According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the

> > > professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many

> > > preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says

> > > this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have

> > > the brains of a four year old.

ajkiwi88 · April 20, 2004

what does anal sex and the war in iraq have in common?

they are both painfull for the parties involved, its all to do with oil and you wont see bush at the frount

cyaz

aj

p.s. if you dont think this joke is suitable please pm me so i can delete it as i dotn wanna offend anyone

SkintMonkey · April 20, 2004

Well heres my contribution. Havent read the whole thread so im not sure it its been posted before...sorry if it has.

The Brick Layer

Possibly the funniest story, in a long while. This is a

bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the

Australian equivalent of the Workers Compensation Board. This is a true story.

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional

information in Block 3 of the Accident Report Form. I put 'poor planning' as the

cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was

working alone on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my

work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later,

were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them

in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to

the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block ll of the Accident

Report Form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off

the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the

rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downwards at an equally impressive speed. This explained the

fractured skull, minor abrasions and a broken collar bone, as listed in

section B of the Accident Report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my

rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two

knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of

the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side

of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel

coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and

several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the

barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am

sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to

move. I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope

and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down on to me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your

enquiry.

mkratty · April 20, 2004

what did the zero say to the 8

nice belt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flying_Squirrel · April 20, 2004

what did the zero say to the 8

nice belt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So simple but I love it

Brother Dave · April 20, 2004

Guy takes out a woman for a night and says" before anything happens I have a peni$ like a baby"

So after a night on the town they are both back at his flat.So they get unchanged when the woman looks at his peni$ and its massive and about 2 inches of the floor

Womans says " thought you said its like a babys peni$"

Guy replies "yeah it is , about 6lb and 10 onces"

HORLEY_KITE_NUT · April 21, 2004

Not bad this !

>

TRUE, SO TRUE ITS FACT AND ALSO FUNNY !!!!!!!!

> >

> >I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women

differ

>so

> >much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and

> >Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head

and

>women

> >think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual

desire

>gene

> >gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"

> >

> > FOR EXAMPLE:

> > One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,

the

>

> >passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like

>it, I

> >just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she

>says

> >the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're

>just not

> >in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy

>your

> >physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying,

>"Can't

> >you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the

>bedroom?"

> >

> >Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to

sleep.

>The

> >very next day I opted to take the day off of

> > work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then

>went

> >shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with

>her

> >while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She

>couldn't

> >decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She

>wanted

> >new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair

for

>each

> >outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a

pair

>of

> >diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have

>thought

> >I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was

testing

>me

> >because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know

how

>to

> >play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's

fine,

> >honey."

> >

> > She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the

>excitement.

> >Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said,

> > "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly

>contain

> >myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face

>just

> >went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!" I

>then

> >said "Really honey! I

> > just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in

>touch with

> >my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping

>needs as

> >a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill

me

>I

> >added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the

things

>I buy

> >you?"

> >

> >Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly

>over a

> >frozen hell while monkeys fly out her butt.

>

HORLEY_KITE_NUT · April 21, 2004

Lorraine & Clearly.

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working with him at his office. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with his girlfriend. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing and smiling and singing.

What was he singing, you ask???

Get ready, it's good..

.

..

.

..

.

I can see Clearly now ....

Lorraine is gone....

HORLEY_KITE_NUT · April 21, 2004

> The best resignation letter ever.........

>

> Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to

> her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

>

> dear Mr. Baker,

> As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very

> basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an

> intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your

> consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the

> commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few

> true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to

> explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to

> stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of

> precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer

> systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and

> other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of

> "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand

> computers. Something as incredibly simple as "save as" still gives you too

> many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am

> going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be

just

> as effective as telling you what a PC is. Your shiny new iMac has more

> personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day,

> shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless

> look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you

> actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping

> their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of

> managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats

> and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

> Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full

> frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I

> have a few parting thoughts.

> 1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is

illegal

> for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me

is

> "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the

> next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be

unable

> to do it on your own.

> 2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I

> know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide

to

> get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I

> conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do

> believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the

> administration. 3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures

> of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going

to

> take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase

them

> like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen

> such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been

> copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter

of

> recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct

> your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of

> recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to

anybody,

> and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the

> public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know

> what you do with all that free time!

>

> Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

> Cecelia"

HORLEY_KITE_NUT · April 21, 2004

>

> > One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual

> route

> >

> > As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the

> > driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a

> > load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

> >

> > "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The

> Mailman

> > comments.

> >

> > Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is

> > the

> > first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had a about

> > fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer

> > and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we

> > started playing WHO AM I."

> >

> > The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"

> >

> > Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the

> bedroom

> > and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our

> "units"

> > showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it

> is.

> >

> > The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

> >

> > "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed

> four

> > or five times."

>

HORLEY_KITE_NUT · April 21, 2004

Subject: Philosophy.

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about

to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his

wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran

up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard

about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to

pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my

student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The

first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are

about to tell me is true?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or

not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what

you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,

even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there

is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell

me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither

True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such

high esteem......

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his

wife.

HORLEY_KITE_NUT · April 21, 2004

Subject: FOOTWEAR

> A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around

> the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this

> small sandal shop.

>

> From inside they heard the shopkeeper say, You foreigners! Come in."

> So the couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some

> magical sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild

> at sex." The wife was really interested in buying the sandals, but her

> husband felt he really didn't need them.

>

> The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex

> freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

>

> Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave

> in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he

> got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many

> years!!

>

> The husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,

> yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm

> hold of the Jamaican's hips.

>

> The Jamaican then began screaming,

>

> " YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET !!!"

Bubble_tdm · April 21, 2004

i knew a blonde so dumb, she thought a quarter-back was a refund.

she tripped over the wire of a cordless phone

she got locked in a grocery store and died of starvation

when she found out that 90% of accidents occur in the home, she moved.

when she saw signs saying 'airport left' she turned around and went home.

Bubble_tdm · April 21, 2004

Woman: i want to go on holiday

Husband: where do you want to go?

Woman: Somewhere i have never been before

Husband: Try the f***ing kitchen then!!!!!

ajkiwi88 · April 23, 2004

how do you make a cat go 'woof'?

cover it in petrol and light it

cyaz

aj

kiteboard_kid · April 24, 2004

I Know this isnt a joke but lets see who can get it;

There's a house with all sides facing south, a bear walks up to the house, what colour is the bear?

Also try this one, you have to follow the instructions quickly, dont answer the questions slowly otherwise it wont work and read the highlighted word out loud. Im not sure if its gonna work written down instead of spoken.;

Say shop

Spell shop

say shop

spell shop

say shop

spell shop

say shop

What do you do at a green light?

Chomfoil · April 24, 2004

I Know this isnt a joke but lets see who can get it;

There's a house with all sides facing south, a bear walks up to the house, what colour is the bear?

The bear is white because its at the North poll ( a house on the north poll will always have all its side facing south becauce at the north poll every direction it south)

Easy:cool:

Tom

mkratty · April 24, 2004

victoria beckham has claimed that she is having a affair with michael jackson.

she claims it all started while in new york on a shopping trip around 5th ave.

michael has said this cannot be true as he was up brooklyn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wva · April 25, 2004

a guy walks into a bar and orders five beers from the barkeeper

rough day,he asked

the guy looks up from his beer and says I just found out my son is gay

next evening in the guy comes again

give me ten beers and make it quick

now what's wrong asked the bartender

I just found out my brother's gay

next evening in he comes again

smacks his hand on the bar and demands twenty beers

the barkeep already drawing up the drafts looks over his shoulder and asks" doesn't anyone in your family like girls?

yes. MY WIFE!

buggyboy1597507287 · April 26, 2004

Victoria Beckham is shopping in London for birthday present for David. She has spent half the day walking around with no success until she was walking through a store and she sees a tall silver item on display. She asked the man behing the counter what it was and he told her it was a Thermos Flask.

"What does that do" said Victoria

The man behind the counter replied " Well, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

So Victoria buys the flask for david.

When she gets home she gives it to David and he says "It's great but what is it"

Victoria replies "well its a thermos flask isn't it, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

"Oh right" says david.

The next day at training David produces the flask and Ferggison was walking past and asks

"Whats that"

David replies

"Well, It's a thermos flask, it keeps hot thing hot and cold things cold

"Oh right" says ferggison "so what have you got in it"

David replied "Coffee and a choc ice"

justin1599968620 · April 28, 2004

We have received credible intelligence that there have been seven

terrorists in your office.

Six of the seven have been apprehended:

Bin Sleepin, Bin-Loafin, Bin-Goofin, Bin-Lunchin, Bin-Drinkin and

Bin-Ass-Kissin have all been taken into custody. At this time, no one

fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin-Workin, has been

found yet.

We are however, confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin-Workin

will be very easy to spot.

You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time, so keep on doing what you

Bin-Doing.............

justin1599968620 · April 28, 2004

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until,

one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys

it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike

is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet

her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and

says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says

anything during dinner has to do the dishes." No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on

the in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner

progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches

over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously

livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a

word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he

grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with

her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend

is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts

to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from

his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All

right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

Travel Monkey · April 28, 2004

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous Redhead

sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat

down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket

towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in

place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the

theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her

deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to

her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The

guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to

every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . . . . "

"You just happened to catch my eye. "

(oh behave, I just forward them, I don't write them! ) :D :D :D

jeffsnox · April 28, 2004

A man walks in to his local pub with a big smile.

BARMAN: You seem happier than usual

MAN: I am! I'm the luckiest man on Earth!!!

BARMAN: How come? You were miserable as sin when you left here after last orders last night

MAN: Well, I was walking home and as I was crossing the railway I saw this young woman. I took her back to my place and WOW! What a night!!! We did EVERYTHING! I've never had a night like it in my life. Talk about doing every move in the Karma Sutra! We did that and more!!!! I'm absolutely knackered! Haven't slept a wink!!! I'm so lucky!!

BARMAN: That's fantastic mate, It's great to see you with a smile on your face! Tell me more about this lady then, is she pretty?

MAN: I don't know, I didn't find her head.

Boom boom!

Bal · April 28, 2004

one droopy boob says to the next, 'we better watch out, people might think we're nuts.'

Sign In

Whats your best joke? Post it here!!! (v2)

Recommended Posts

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Posted Images

Join the conversation