Marcus

thank you Icebird, that's the exact thing i was searching for but forgot the link to Update, today i went and tried to raise my new ozone kite... although the winds were there, the wind chill factor of -25 celcius cause the pump to malfunction and i couldn't inflate it. I was hopping mad after 3/4 hour later, fingers frozen stiff than the leading edge itself i bailled out and went back home. i should have packed my titan as a backup like i wanted to do but forgot at the last minute. Oh well, next week if the winds are good i'll go back and have a session.

to stir the pot a bit... I was given(for the price was sweet!) an ozone instinct edge 2 that i have yet to try out. What can i expect differently from say my flysurfer titan 12m from long ago? I suspect very much faster reaction time... but how`s the hang time diferent from each other? The titan feels like a tank in the sky, slow, ponderous, and nothing can stop it from gliding.

following your link has given me a good idea, and from there i found this video: My little brother broke is clavicle about 4 weeks ago and the butt-boarding would be ideal for him. Still i am searching for a store which has any kneeboards for sale .. And to think i left one pass right under my nose in december Oh well, instead, i went and got myself a used pair of fisher radarc revolution 'shark' extreme carving skis. First time i hear of the Fisher radarc company and can`t find any info on the net either yet i am assured they are awesome in ice as well as snow Will have to try them out this week if the winds permit it. Now i will still get myself the kneeboards, if only to goof off in winter and give it a try in the summer as well

i believe the guy has a belt around his upper legs and he sets the knot from the rope between himself and the belt. The lakes are now mirror-perfect due the rain we are receiving; has anyone had fun with skis or snowblades on such a smooth surface? From what i gathered on the net, snowblades are awesome for such conditions, behave like skates almost.

i am still hoping to score a kneeboard, either from the local wanted ads or even a new one, they aren`t costly(less than 200$) but.... this is winter i am looking for a summer part. Dangit, it feels like i won`t be able to get one anytime soon. On the other hand, i had another wilder thought: transform my mtb into a ice skating by replacing the wheels with stainless steel blades so i can at least have fun on the iced over lakes. There is less and less snow around here, and we will be having showers(yes, in the middle of winter! ) so the little nice layer we have now will disappear this week.

here`s another video i just found, seems it is hard to edge with this, considering there was not much snow to bite into... Clive: there is a leg strap that goes on top of the folded legs; to release you just have to `stand up`

here`s a video that might prove it`s feasable http://www.youtube.com/embed/EfoFFNb6d34

Hello ladies and gents! it has been a long while since i last posted... nothing much to report so i kept quiet Here i was looking at equipping myself with either snowboard or skis when the thought hit me; why not use a kneeboard instead for much of the same pleasure!? Am i crazy? Anynone tried this before with any success or perish the thought, failure? What say you? We are getting some unusually strong and constant-ish winds this season, and was hoping to get in on the winter action sooner than late.

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. Unfortunately, she is a math teacher and knows little about teaching sex ed. She decides to use her math techniques to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well. The next day in class, she explains that a new unit of sex ed is to begin. She holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asked "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Suzie responds, "I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them!" The teacher says, "Very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise." The teacher grabs the next card and holdups a picture of a penis. She asks, "Does anyone know what this is?" and Little Johnny's hand shoots into the air as he hurriedly says, "I know I know!! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!" The teacher corrects him saying, "Now Johnny, It is a penis but I'm afraid your daddy can't have two of them." Little Johnny says, "Sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one that he brushes the sitter's teeth with!"

as the title implies, watch this video, the kite is nearly at the end of it...

This is absolutely HILARIOUS..for those of us who have eaten these things we can definitely understand how she felt----- For all of you who Know what an MRE is... And those that don't this is too funny and true not to read. MRE dinner date, the following is a true story... Told from the point of view of a young Marine. I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten before. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in each meal. Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautd in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right? For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voilaanger Pudding. For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"...it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... Could've been leftover sand from Egypt ). I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!" We dug in, and she loved the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner. At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... Yeah... Its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... Yup! Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look. After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener. Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes. I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch. I know... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

A man strolled into the local post office and noticed a bald-headed, middle-aged gent at the counter with a huge pile of greeting cards and envelopes. He was flicking through the phone book, addressing the envelopes, sticking stamps on them and then spraying them with perfume. The newcomer couldn't restrain his curiosity. "Excuse me," he said, "what are you doing?" "Nothing much," the man said. "I'm sending out 1000 Valentine Day cards to men in this neighborhood, all signed 'Guess Who'." "Why on earth are you doing that?" the other man asked. "Are you gay? "No," the man replied, "they're all married men, in fact." "So," the other man asked, "why send them cards?" The man replied, "I'm a divorce lawyer."

I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A young mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter and Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding. "What ya got, mister?" she asked. (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.) I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?" (Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.) I said, "they're for my girlfriend". She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of them, too! Man, you really must have fucked up!" Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches, except Mom who was now trying to crawl between the seats!

A filthy rich Texas feller decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its butt! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars," "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the son of a bitch who pushed me in the pool."

Slartibartfast, ....oh the pain!

oh snap! I just can't stop reading them jokes! The Eruction One year, Bob augmented his usual excellent dinner fare with the addition of a huge sack of mysterious jerky, procured from a wandering peddler. Despite its dubious pedigree, it tasted good. Real Good. Excellent was too weak a description. The jerky was an Epicurean delight. It enhanced and complemented the tastes of all the other foods on the board that day. Never before had a group of engineers so enjoyed munchies, snacks or dinner, and the jerky was completely consumed. As the dishes were cleared away, one engineer let go a belch. Just a cheek puffing, under-the-breath burp - but substantial enough to not go unnoticed. “Tasting your dinner again, are you?” joked another engineer, in good-natured ribbing. After some lip smacking and reflection: “Why, yes. It was as good as when it went down.” It was true, the odor was not unpleasant, much like what you might smell outside a fine restaurant, not the damp fetid or yeasty odor of the typical belch. Then another engineer burped, and another, increasing in frequency, volume and force until the whole group was participating. Soon the eructatory chorus rose to rival the sound of the frogs in the swamp. Indeed, confused and curious frogs began appearing around the perimeter of the yard. As the belches grew longer in duration, engineers began to experiment, forming words and sentences and even reciting the pledge of allegiance powered by the escaping flow. It was discovered that withholding or containing the rising air until the last second produced the loudest, most satisfying reports, and an informal competition developed. Things progressed from weird to bizarre when one engineer chanced to belch just as he lifted a cigar to his lips. The escaping gas was ignited into a billowing flame. Everyone stopped and marveled – then began lighting cigars and multicolored geysers of brief but vivid flame illuminated the evening, accompanied by fits of laughter. Sparks began to appear in the flames as the intensity of the belches increased. Small particles of food from stomachs were being carried along to be ejected with the escaping gases. It was soon discovered that the quality of the gas had taken a turn for the worse, and if left unburned, smelled very, very bad. What was formerly a cause for amusement had turned into a dire necessity. Frantically the engineers sought any form of ignition. As quickly as the panic began to spread, it was just as suddenly over, the belches abruptly subsiding to an occasional distasteful mouthful. Beer was again flowing in an effort to wash out the taste. As calm returned, the engineers quietly began comparing notes and stories. That’s when someone farted…

ok, last one for the day. I dare you to not laugh at this one! If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report

My son came home from school one day, With a smirk upon his face. He decided he was smart enough, To put me in my place. 'Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright? It's all about the laws today, The 'Children's Bill of Rights.' It says I need not clean my room, Don't have to cut my hair No one can tell me what to think, Or speak, or what to wear. I have freedom from religion, And regardless what you say, I don't have to bow my head, And I sure don't have to pray. I can wear earrings if I want, And pierce my tongue & nose. I can read & watch just what I like, Get tattoos from head to toe. And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime. I'll back up all my charges, With the marks on my behind. Don't you ever touch me, My body's only for my use, Not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse. Don't preach about your morals, Like your Mama did to you. That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too! Mom, I have these children's rights, So you can't influence me, Or I'll call Children's Services Division, Better known As 'C.S.D.' Mom's Reply and Thoughts Of course my first instinct was To toss him out the door. But the chance to teach him a lesson Made me think a little more. I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go. A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro. Next day I took him shopping At the local Goodwill Store.. I told him, 'Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore. I've called and checked with C.S.D . Who said they didn't care If I bought you K-Mart shoes Instead of Nike Airs. I've canceled that appointment To take your driver's test. The C.S.D. Is unconcerned So I'll decide what's best.' I said 'No time to stop and eat, Or pick up stuff to munch. And tomorrow you can start to learn To make your own efen lunch. Just save the raging appetite, And wait till dinner time. We're having liver and onions, A favorite dish of mine.' He asked 'Can I please rent a movie, To watch on my VCR?' 'Sorry, but I sold your TV, For new tires on my car. I also rented out your room, You'll take the couch instead. The C.S.D. Requires Just a roof over your head. Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose what we eat. That allowance that you used to get, Will buy me something neat. I'm selling off your jet ski, Dirt-bike & roller blades. Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights', It's in effect today! Hey hot shot, are you crying, Why are you on your knees? Are you asking God to help you out, Instead of C.S.D..?' Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers, Or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH. I love this One!!! From a MOM (Mean Old Mother.)

Old couple were in a pub having a drink, the guys says 'Mabel do you remember this was the pub we first had a date in in 1944, you wore that red dress and we went outside and had a knee trembler behind the pub' 'Yes I remember she says, it was sixty five years ago in the blackout, do you fancy trying it again for old times sake ? Well unknown to them they had been over heard by a couple of youths who thought this was hilarious and watching a couple of wrinklies sounded like sport to them. So Bert and Mabel disappeared round the back, Mabel leaned on the fence and Bert lifted her dress leaned over here and got on with it. Bert was going like a train, his knees were shaking, spit was coming out the side of his mouth and he was shagging for England. The youths were amazed, they had only see things like this on porn films, the stamina of the man was unbelievable, finally they broke apart and Mabel went to the ladies to tidy up. Bert was sill on the floor trying to get his breath back when one of the youths approached him and said. "Look we only took a look as we thought it would be a good laugh but we were dead impressed, were you as virile as this sixty five years ago ? Eee lad I don't rightly know, that electric fence weren't here then......................

During a meeting at work, the conversation turned to the unusual styling of the Pontiac Aztek. One of the engineers related that his neighbor had one and loved it. He related that the neighbor stated: "once you get past the ugly, it's nice." "Harrumph," said the boss, "I wonder what his wife looks like." True story - I was there.

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY. This took place in Charlotte North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'. NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

California vs Arizona California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog. 1. The Governor starts to intervene but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural. 2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. 3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases. 4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged. 5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals. 6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area. 7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world. 8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene. 9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes. 10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State. Arizona: The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog. 1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. 2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote. And that's why California is broke.

My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. You know, golf...that's the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women. So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?" "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find." "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off." "What's tee off?" "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse." "Not for me" I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere." "No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger." "Yeah, I've got one of those." "Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." "You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee." Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so. He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?" "Sure" "Your balls are in it, aren't they?" "Of course," I told him. "Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?" "I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to." "Don't you have a zipper on your bag?" "No, I am the old fashioned type." "Do you know how to hold your club?" Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so. He said, "You take your club in both hands..." Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..." No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about. He asked, "How do your hold your club?" And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers". He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me. Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing. He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..." I could well imagine that. "... and when you're on the green..." "What's the green?" "That's where the hole is." "Sure you're not color blind?" "Then you take your putter in your hands" "What's a putter?" "That's the smallest club made." "That's what I got, a putter." "And with it, you put your ball into the hole." I corrected him, "You mean the putter." "No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too." Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon. "Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17." Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell. "You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?" "Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?" "The flag will go up!" Uh, huh...

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students : "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her? " Mike replies : Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss. The teacher says : That would be very rude and improper on your part. Johnny replied : I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute. The teacher says : That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant. And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher passed out.