Guides Unlimited Wind

History:

Well, wind is interesting. Some say that wind is caused by atmospheric permutations partially as a result of solar fluctuations, and some say that there’s just a really BIG butterfly doing a hell of a lot of flapping somewhere. Who knows.

General characteristics:

Can provide anything from -60 in the sun (otherwise known as July in Britain) through to wonderfully balmy, perfect days (known as “Ill with the ‘flu” days). General characteristics – exactly the opposite of what you expect. Unless you try to second guess it, in which case it just dies completely. Otherwise known as “Major kite festival” syndrome.

Turning speed and maneuverability:

Quite remarkable really. Weather is an amazingly complex recursive system, which makes it all the more amazing when it instantly switches to offshore gales as soon as you hit the beach. It is also well known that if there is an onshore blowing, it’s suitability for kiting is inversely proportional to how far you have traveled. Belgians find this particularly annoying, and have to resort to other activities for amusement.

Lift and jumping:

Fortunately, this comes with a manufacturer-fitted safety/cushioning device, specifically designed to remove bumps on landing to as to avoid damaging anything. It’s called a “Kite flier”. This heavy object cushions the handles as they come back to earth with a crash, and works in a similar way to a crumple zone. After all, equipment costs money.

Wind is living proof that Mother Nature has a sense of humour – the best jump you’ve ever done is always the one no-one sees. By the same token, the wind will invariably disappear completely mid-jump as soon as anyone remotely attractive takes an interest, leaving you looking like a prat. This is the ground state for most kiters, unless you get really good. But by then you’ve got so many scars from being dropped that no-one’s interested anyway.

Traction activities:

There’s no doubt that when it comes to going kiting with a board or buggy, wind is the best motive force, though I suppose a few dozen highly trained squirrels would work as well. It’s just getting the little buggers to go AROUND the tree that causes all the trouble.

Freestyle:

It’s a sad but true fact that it is only ever possible to properly jump in traction kiting when using someone else’s kite. No-one quite knows why this is, but it is generally suspected the Mafia are behind it. Of course, as soon as you buy the kite in question, it becomes totally useless because you have howling gales for the next six months, in which time you totally forget how to fly and take up knitting instead.

Sponsored riders get around this by nabbing all their gear off someone else. That’s why they’re always going to be better than you.

Upwind ability:

Theoretically, practically infinite. In reality, never quite enough. This is why you stop kiting after half an hour of superb long, fast runs to discover than not only are you a long way from your bags but the wind has died, you’ve strayed into the soft sand and the tide is coming in. This is why it is vitally important to tell someone when you’re going on a solo trip – not because they’ll remember, but so you’ll have someone to blame after the coastguard pick you up.

Construction:

Variable. Has a habit of breaking down when you least expect it. Smoothest at the edges (beaches, coastal towns etc.) but often filled with suspicious lumps in the middle. In this it closely resembles a badly laid carpet, though attempting to flatten the lumps by stamping on them is not advised.

I suppose you could attempt to complain to the management about it, but again it’s probably not advisable. People have been trying that for centuries, and all they’ve managed so far is the latest in gothic architecture.

Appearance:

Curiously pale. If it’s white, pack up because you’re flying in a blizzard. If it’s black with sparkly bits, pack up because it’s night. If it’s totally black in the middle of the day, you’ve got a bag on your head and probably shouldn’t be out alone.

If it’s grey, keep flying. It means you’re in Britain.

Conclusion:

Maddening, fun, frustrating, fascinating, ridiculous etc. That’s just the kiters. The wind can be a bit odd too.