Whats your best joke? Post it here!!! (v2)

[justin1599968620]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he

> takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite

> blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman

> notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for

> me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new

> here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it

> implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the

> swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily

> lets him have his way with her.

>

> The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna

> and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible

> corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call

> for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

> "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "It is a rule here that if you

 

> fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him

> around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

>

> The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by

> the smiling, and naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man

> yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can

 

> keep the £500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been

> here for a few hours, you haven't had the chance to see all our

> facilities." The man replies, "listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a

> erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. no thanks.

[justin1599968620]

What's orange and goes 100 miles an hour thru Brixton??

 

Ron Atkinson

[justin1599968620]

What's the difference between your mum and a drug dealer?

 

Your mum can clean her crack and sell it again....

[justin1599968620]

Why do women have orgasm's during sex?

 

To give themselves something to moan about even when their fcuking enjoying themselves...

[ajkiwi88]

What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?

A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.

 

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?

With a blender.

 

How do you get them out again?

Tortilla chipz

 

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends how hard you throw them.

 

What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?

A baby with a punctured lung.

 

What's worse than smoking pot with a baby?

Making a bong out of it

 

 

if these offened anyone if you message me i will remove then

AJ

[Filthy]

BUBBA was fixing a door and after finding that he needed a new hinge, he sent his wife Mary-Louise to the hardware store.

 

At the store Mary-Louise saw a beautiful teapot on the top shelf while she was waiting for Joe-Bob, the manager, to finish with a customer.

 

When Joe-Bob was finished, Mary-Louise asked how much the teapot cost.

 

Joe-Bob replied, "It's silver and it costs $100!"

 

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary-Louise exclaimed.

 

She then told Joe-Bob about the hinge Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe-Bob went into the storeroom to find it.

 

Joe-Bob yelled, "Mary-Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

 

Mary-Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

[rayens]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the

sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

 

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her

level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit.....or a thoft and fuwwy

bwack wabbit...... or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over

there?"

 

 

 

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans

forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a

thit."

[kitedd]

I apologies now for these jokes, weather they are bad, rude, or crap.

 

Whats the difference between Jacko and acne??

One waits until you're 15 before it comes on your face.

 

Two chickens standing at the side of the road, One is about to cross when the other says "dont...we'll never hear the end of it."

 

Why do leprechauns wear to condoms??

Ahh, to be sure, to be sure.

 

A dyslexic goth sold his soul to santa

A dslexic rock star choked on his own Vimto

A dyslexic went to a toga party...as a goat.

 

Two elephants fell off a cliff...Bang, Bang!!

 

A man walked into a bar...ouch

 

Two gold fish i a tank, one says to the other

"how do you drive this thing then."

 

Two buggies on a perch, one says to the other

"does this smell fishy to you??"

 

Whats the difference between a hedgehog and the houses of parliment??

On one the pricks are on the outside.

[Steve1599968621]

Man goes into a pet shop and asks the shopkeeper - ' I'd like to buy a wasp please.'

 

'Sorry sir, we don't really sell wasps.'

 

'Well, you've got one in the window!'

 

 

 

 

 

[davidgarner]

2 cows in a feild, first says "moo", the other said "i was just bout to say that!"

 

2 different cows in a feild, 1 says "baa", the other said "wot u say that for?" first cow said "im learning a foreign langauage"

[Steve1599968621]

A zero and an eight walking down the street.

 

0 says 'Nice belt!'

 

 

 

 

 

[Bubble_tdm]

2 muffins in an oven. 1 turns to the other an says 'god its hot in here.'

the second muffin turns to the first and says 'f**k me, a talking muffin'

 

2 cows in a field. First cow says 'what do you think about this mad cow disease then?'

The other cow gives him a funny look and replies 'i don't care, i'm a bloody helicopter!'

 

Boom boom

 

Thank you thank you....

[rayens]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £180,000 and your mother just lost her job, so I'm sorry but just now there's no way we can afford it."

 

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going? Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too......I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £180,000 mortgage and no f *%king bike!"

[rayens]

A young Scottish guy moves to Sydney and goes to a big department

 

 

store looking for a job.

 

 

 

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

 

 

 

The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

 

 

 

Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job.

 

 

 

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

 

 

 

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the

 

store was locked up, the manager came down.

 

 

 

How many sales did you make today?"

 

 

 

The kid says, "One."

 

 

 

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30

 

sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

 

 

 

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

 

 

 

The manager exclaims, "$101,237.64?

 

 

 

What did you sell him?"

 

 

 

The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook.

Then I sold him a Medium fish hook.

Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

 

Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at

 

the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to

 

the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine - Chris Craft.

 

He said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I Took him

 

down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

 

 

 

The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook

 

and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

 

 

 

The kid, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his

 

wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well

 

 

go fishing."

[mkratty]

These are supposed to be doctor's notes taken directly from patient's charts.

 

-Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 

-On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared completely.

 

-She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states that she was very hot in bed last night.

 

-The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

 

-The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be

depressed.

 

-Discharge status: Alive but without permission

 

-Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

-The patient refused an autopsy.

 

-The patient has no past history of suicides.

 

-Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

 

-Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a

40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

 

-Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

-She is numb from her toes down.

 

-The skin was moist and dry.

 

-Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

 

-Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

-Rectal exam revealed a normal sized thyroid. (ouch!!)

 

-She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

 

-Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

-Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 

-Patient was seen in consultation with Dr. ----, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agreed.

[hornsea flyer]

David beckham is talking to sven he says he has got a thermostat

sven says yes thats good what have you got in it

beckham says coffee and a choc ice!! http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_14_5.gif

[itchyring]

What is Einstein's theory of time & relativity...

 

 

...time spent with relatives goes more slowly.

[Filthy]

Two women in heaven were discussing how they had died.

 

"I froze to death, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from

the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a

peaceful death. What about you?"

 

"I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

 

"So what happened?"

 

"I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I

started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over and died with a massive heart attack."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer; we'd both still be alive.!!"

[mkratty]

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on

board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the

driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.

 

He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.

"Do us a favor mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the

driver,

"and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

 

"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck

and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"

"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "but theres still fifty quid left so

now we're going to Alton Towers."

[P.Istagen]

When i was 14, i hoped that one day i would have a girlfriend.

 

When i was 16, i got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So i decided i

 

needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

 

In college i dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything

 

was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened

 

suicide. So i decided i needed a girl with stability.

 

When i was 25 i found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was

 

totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life becames so

 

dull that i decided i needed a girl with some excitement.

 

When i was 28 i found an exciting girl, but i couldn't keep up with her.

 

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did

 

mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me

 

miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very

 

energetic, but directionless. So i decided to find a girl with some

 

ambition.

 

When i turned 31 i found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted

 

firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she

 

divorced me and took everything i owned.

 

I am now 48 and looking for a girl with really big t1ts.

 

[mkratty]

for those who missed it yesterday hers the venus in transit

[Agger]

Subject: FW: Living in 2004

 

And the sad part is the it is so true

 

You know you're living in 2004 when...

 

>

 

>1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

 

>

 

>2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

 

>

 

>3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

 

>

 

>4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

 

>

 

>5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do

 

not

 

have e-mail addresses.

 

>

 

>6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone

 

in

 

a business manner.

 

>

 

>7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial 0 or 9 to

 

get

 

an outside line.

 

>

 

>8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three

 

>different companies.

 

>

 

>10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

 

>

 

>11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

 

>

 

>12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get

 

>long-service awards.

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

>AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

>13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

 

>

 

>14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your

 

friends

 

>

 

>15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,

 

>except to send you jokes from the net.

 

>

 

>16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

 

>

 

>17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

>18. And now you are laughing at yourself!

 

:) :)

 

[HORLEY_KITE_NUT]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

 

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

 

 

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

 

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

 

 

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

 

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

 

 

 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

 

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

 

 

 

SUCCESS:

 

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . going all the way.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

[Unkh]

OK - if someone has already posted this, please accept my humble apologies

 

 

http://www.pitir.com/lotp.wmv

WARNING - This is hilarious ...... you WILL almost certainly laugh out loud - so you have been warned !!!!

By the way - you will need sound ............. and it helps if you are a big Lord of The Rings Fan !!! :D

[mkratty]

A man went into pub with his octopus, sat the octopus down on a bar stool, and proceeded to tell everyone in the pub that his octopus was very talented, and could, in fact, play any musical instrument in the world.

 

Everyone in the pub laughed at the man, calling him an idiot. Undaunted, the man said that he would wager £50 against anyone who had an instrument that the octopus could not play. Luckily, one customer happened to have a guitar and, having shaken hands on the bet, gave the instrument to the octopus, which immediately started playing better then Jimi Hendrix, (not that such a feat would be very difficult). The guitar man reluctantly parted with a £50 note.

 

Another man, who happened to have a trumpet, made the same wager, and this time the octopus played the trumpet better then Louis Armstrong. Another £50 changed hands. Then a Scotsman came into the pub carrying some bagpipes, and, learning about the wager on offer, accepted the bet, and put the bagpipes on the bar close to the octopus, which fumbled with them for a few minutes, and then sat back on his bar stool with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scotsman said triumphantly, "Ye canny play it, can ye?"

 

The octopus looked at him, and replied, "Play it? I`m going to shag it as soon as I work out how to remove its pyjamas."